Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Beyond the "Secret" III

OK. This is it!
I’m sick and tired of following the 8 fold path.
Having the right thought, right talk and right conduct takes way to much energy and time.
(Plus my back hurts from too much sitting in meditation ;)
Why do all the hard work when you can have instant gratification?
Just – ask, believe and receive!
Welcome to the “fast food” of enlightenment!

So what we will talk about on our blog now that all that our problems are solved and all our wishes are fulfilled?
I got an idea; we’ll tell jokes!
Here is a good one:

A Buddhist monk dies and goes to hell.
(Yup, all non Christians go to hell – Read the bible!)
But because he wasn’t a bad person God cuts him a slack and assigns him a “helper” job at the boiling tar cauldrons.
First guy he meets looks awful. Only skin and bones all covered in tar.
-What is wrong with you? He asks.
-Well, I’ve been assigned to tend a pot of Jews.
(Yup, Jews are really screwed. They killed Jesus – See the movie!)
-Every day they plot to get out of the cauldron and I have a hell of a time pushing them back.
The next guy he meets looks wonderful, clean, healthy and relaxed.
-What is your secret? He asks.
_Oh, nothing. I got a pot of Polacks. Every time one tries to get out 10 others pull him back in the pot.
I know, it is an old one but I still like it :)

So now that we solved the problem of “content” let’s go and use the “secret”
It sais here on the brochure:
YOU can get all the money and reaches you want.
YOU can get joy and happiness.
YOU can get fame and fortune.
YOU can get the career or the woman of your dreams.
Hell YOU can have anything you can dream of.
The universe with all its resources is at your command!

Great! But the brochure doesn’t say who this mythical “YOU” with God like power is...
…What do you mean is me?
I thought it was YOU!
…It is? …And he and she and them as well?
Wait a minute!
Don’t you think it is a little deceiving to say that the universe is at “YOUR” command instead that the universe is at “OUR” command?

Because you see there is a big difference if the universe serves only “YOU” or it serves “ALL” the living creatures of the universe.
(See the post #1 :)
You might think and see yourself as Mr. or Miss wonderful, powerful, successful and famous.
But if the people around you think of you as a conceited, vain, selfish, egotistic, and narcissistic greedy prick:
Who is the universe going to listen to: “YOU” or the other people?
After all that “wishing” you were doing, you might discover that getting out of your hell hole it is not that easy when you have 10 Polacks tugging at your heels ;)


Ted Bagley said...

All beings have the Buddha not You, you idiot!

Quantum_Flux said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Quantum_Flux said...

Ugh, I thought Buddhism was an atheist religion, or at least a secular one. Anyhow, I've got one to cheer it up:

A mathematician, a magician, and a priest are sitting down at the craps table. The mathematician says to himself, "I can win this game by playing the odds". The magician says "hehehehe, when nobody is looking I'll throw a trick dice ensuring my wins". Then the priest says to himself "okay, I'll just bet the way that God tells me to".

Anyhow, they start betting and the magician is winning chips at 2x the rate that the mathematician is winning them, but the priest is the first one to lose all his chips. The priest gets mad and says to the mathematician "I don't get it, I was faithful and bet just as God wanted me to, perhaps God was on the magician's side". To this the mathematician replied "No, that is not the case at all, God just doesn't play dice".

YogaforCynics said...

The Secret people have it half right: yes, with the right attitude you can have everything you want, BUT once you have that attitude, you won't want anything you don't already have...

Ted Bagley said...

It is an atheist religion.

Buddha said...

@ Ted - I say even idiots have Buddha nature other wise it wouldn't be Buddha nature :)

@ Quantum - LOL! God must have read Einstein's work :)

@ YogaforCynics - LOL! You just gave away the "secret"
You can have happiness if you feel happy, and be wealthy if you feel wealthy!

Flight said...

# Taoism: Shit happens.
# Confucianism: Confucius say, "Shit happens."
# Buddhism: If shit happens, it isn't really shit.
# Zen Buddhism: Shit is, and is not.
# Zen Buddhism #2: What is the sound of shit happening?
# Hinduism: This shit has happened before.
# Islam: If shit happens, it is the will of Allah.
# Islam #2: If shit happens, kill the person responsible.
# Islam #3: If shit happens, blame Israel.
# Catholicism: If shit happens, you deserve it.
# Protestantism: Let shit happen to someone else.
# Presbyterian: This shit was bound to happen.
# Episcopalian: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve the right wine with it.
# Methodist: It's not so bad if shit happens, as long as you serve grape juice with it.
# Congregationalist: Shit that happens to one person is just as good as shit that happens to another.
# Unitarian: Shit that happens to one person is just as bad as shit that happens to another.
# Lutheran: If shit happens, don't talk about it.
# Fundamentalism: If shit happens, you will go to hell, unless you are born again. (Amen!)
# Fundamentalism #2: If shit happens to a televangelist, it's okay.
# Fundamentalism #3: Shit must be born again.
# Judaism: Why does this shit always happen to us?
# Calvinism: Shit happens because you don't work.
# Seventh Day Adventism: No shit shall happen on Saturday.
# Creationism: God made all shit.
# Secular Humanism: Shit evolves.
# Christian Science: When shit happens, don't call a doctor - pray!
# Christian Science #2: Shit happening is all in your mind.
# Unitarianism: Come let us reason together about this shit.
# Quakers: Let us not fight over this shit.
# Utopianism: This shit does not stink.
# Darwinism: This shit was once food.
# Capitalism: That's MY shit.
# Communism: It's everybody's shit.
# Feminism: Men are shit.
# Chauvinism: We may be shit, but you can't live without us...
# Commercialism: Let's package this shit.
# Impressionism: From a distance, shit looks like a garden.
# Idolism: Let's bronze this shit.
# Existentialism: Shit doesn't happen; shit IS.
# Existentialism #2: What is shit, anyway?
# Stoicism: This shit is good for me.
# Hedonism: There is nothing like a good shit happening!
# Mormonism: God sent us this shit.
# Mormonism #2: This shit is going to happen again.
# Wiccan: An it harm none, let shit happen.
# Scientology: If shit happens, see "Dianetics", p.157.
# Jehovah's Witnesses: >Knock< >Knock< Shit happens.
# Jehovah's Witnesses #2: May we have a moment of your time to show you some of our shit?
# Jehovah's Witnesses #3: Shit has been prophesied and is imminent; only the righteous shall survive its happening.
# Moonies: Only really happy shit happens.
# Hare Krishna: Shit happens, rama rama.
# Rastafarianism: Let's smoke this shit!
# Zoroastrianism: Shit happens half on the time.
# Church of SubGenius: BoB shits.
# Practical: Deal with shit one day at a time.
# Agnostic: Shit might have happened; then again, maybe not.
# Agnostic #2: Did someone shit?
# Agnostic #3: What is this shit?
# Satanism: SNEPPAH TIHS.
# Atheism: What shit?
# Atheism #2: I can't believe this shit!
# Nihilism: No shit.

# And of course we must add...Alcoholics Anonymous: Shit happens-one day at a time!

Talon said...

Ignorance is bliss and "The Secret" people depend on it!

Ted Bagley said...

Yea, so leave the secret alone, man.

Buddha said...

@ Flight - Buddha of Hollywood:
Great shit Flight!

@ Talon - Knowledge is power and the truth shall set you free.

@ Ted - But that wouldn't be any fun :)

Quantum_Flux said...

That's MY shit! Also, no shit, I don't believe this shit, and shit happens because you don't work. Also, shit happens, so don't talk about it.

Quantum_Flux said...

I normally don't cuss like that.

dirt clustit said...

This was a refreshing change of pace :)

I like your sense of humor as well as that those who left a comment.

Buddha said...

@ Quantum - That is OK!
We forgive you - shit happens!

@ Dirt clustit - We are just warming up LOL!

John McIntyre said...

Buddha is making a fool of The Secret because one thing is clear, Buddha does not understand it, therefore rejects and ridicules it. ASK, BELIEVE AND RECEIVE. You can ASK, but how do you BELIEVE is the key.(Surely not for Cynics like some) Jesus said: ' Ask you shall receive. But when you ASK you must BELIEVE you will receive it, then you shall RECEIVE. A lot of idiots are asking for a Ferrari and Angelina Jolie's bed, but they don't believe it. The poor is asking for money, but believe in poverty, lack and limitation.

Buddha said...

@ John - True I don't understand how it works but I understand how it doesn't work.
If you are a master of the "secret" please bring world peace, love and understanding for all of us that are ignorant and do not know the "secret"
We are waiting :)

Cindy said...

Ask, Believe and Receive, sounds simple, but it isn't by any means. John is right in that people mess up the believing part and then get the wrong results. I've been terribly ill. I've yet to figure out how to fix the belief in illness or should I say the belief in wellness, so that I can be well. This "shits" going to kill me before I figure it out, because that's what I believe. If "F"ing frustrating that's what it is!
Same shit, different day. Add that to the list.

Buddha of Hollywood said...

@ Cindy - This is exactly what is wrong with the secret - you are playing with forces way beyond your comprehension - you are playing with fire and you are going to get burned.
Find some good friends, some love, some peace and quiet.
When you are in the hole - stop digging.