Friday, September 11, 2009

One year older

Today is my birthday so I started doing a little “my life so far” review and some how I ended up with another blog post instead.
Here it is:

I got a speeding ticket.
My car’s water pump is making a weird noise for a while.
I have to finish replacing the water pipes in my house, which I started about a year ago and I dread finishing.
I have to go to the small court because the IRS wants $3200 from me.
I did not get a raise in the last five years and I am afraid that I am stuck in my job until they fire me.
About ten years ago I started loosing the hair on my head and getting hair in places the sun don’t shine.
My triglycerides levels are 3 time the norm.
My sex drive has dropped into the pits with my hair.
I dream of being an artist and I fear I will never do it.

At this moment these are the biggest problems in my life, all the other problems in my life are smaller than that.

Do you think I have problems?
Do you think any of my problems are more than a challenge, inconvenience or routine maintenance?
I don’t think so either.

Yet, they bother me more than it should.
Do you know why?
Because I get stuck in this “fix the problems first” frame of mind.
Because instead of focusing on what I want to accomplish I focus on the shitty little inconveniences.
Because I’M MAKING this little shitty inconveniences the center of my life.

I need to put some passion in my life.
I need to light up a fire that will burn all that little crap away.
I need a new direction, a new purpose, a new vision.

I think I’m getting to humble, to soft.
I need to be more daring, to grow some balls.
Which is not quite the Buddhist way of doing things.
Remember the Buddhist way is the middle way :)
But it just doesn’t work for me at this moment.
It looks like too much Zazen makes my butt itch.

I have to go Back to my radical Zen roots.
Just wanted to let you know, in case I’ll get to weird or too wild.
Don’t worry. It’s just another phase.


Lydia said...

Oh boy, a new phase! May you be fierce and full of discovery in this next year of your life.

Happy Birthday, Buddha! Here is a video with a birthday parade in your honor.

mickael said...

hi Buddha,

once i have repeated what you wrote to the word, though i knew nothing of zen then. that phase consumed my focus for few years and it almost killed me. be careful of what you think, ok? :)

on the other hand it drove me to the point where i had to choose between death and destruction of my self. i was lucky to pick the latter, though nothing was comfortable about it to say least and it took all the guts i had and more. absolute most of similar cases i know ended up well less luckily.

why this thought pattern is inefficient? human mind does what it is taught and only that. if you teach it desire, it will hunger for it more. i guess you know the results. when you teach it peace, you'll get peace. when you teach it guts, you'll see guts. so far i have not seen any way around this.

good luck.

Mariana Soffer said...

I think you need to help others for real, kids who really need it, live with the, go to africa for a while (if you can)- I think that would make you a better person than you are, and it will make you feel better, like growing up.

Brooks Hall said...

Hey Buddha!
I hope you had a fire-stoked kick-ass birthday! I resonate with what you described about feeling like aging concerns and annoyances are taking up too much real estate in the mind. Good luck. Dream big. Get radical. (me too)

Quantum_Flux said...

FUBOH, also, kick some ass too!

Flight said...


I think even the great masters have concerns and annoyances . They just don't carry them for long .

Change is enviable , Growth is optional .

This Brazen Teacher said...

ooh.... you know what that means? It means you're being Brazen towards being Zen! Cool.

Ted Bagley said...

Happy, happy!!

Talon said...

Belated Happy Birthday, Buddha!

It's good to have fine things to feast on instead of always letting worries fester so I hope you are realizing you have more options than you believe in your current stuck state.

Ted Bagley said...

Hard to say how radical anything is coming out of Hollywood. :)

Quantum_Flux said...

My birthday 9/13...25 today.

Ted Bagley said...

Happy B-day Flux!

Buddha said...

@ Lydia – Actually it is an old phase – but in a new cycle.
My life goes round and round :)

@ Mickael –Thank you Mickael! I’ll keep in mind…
It is OK too look into the abyss as long I don’t fall into it.

@ Mariana – Absolutely! It is the best way to grow up.

@ Brook – Thank you Brook.
I have a wonderful family.
They make every day feel special for me.

@ Quantum – Happy birthday!
We have almost same birthday… well minus the one day and the 29 years :)

@ Flight – Thank you Flight.
“Change is inevitable. Growth is optional.”
I like that a lot!

@ This Brazen Teacher – that means… if you get more Zen into your teaching we can meet in the middle :)

@ Ted – Thank you my friend!
Actually since nothing radical ever comes out of Hollywood I have a pretty good shot at it…

@ Talon – Thank you Talon!
I did a lot of thinking over the weekend about it – I even wrote a post – I think I figure it out why I feel “stuck”

Zuzanna Musial said...

Hello, Buddha

Happy belated Birthday!!
Sorry for my late wishes, just learned from the last post.
Hope you had a wonderful day filled with happiness and joy!!

Best wishes,