Thursday, March 26, 2009


Remodeling of any kind is not an easy or pleasant endeavor.
Anyone that has gone through a house remodeling can attest to my testimony, and if you have never undertaken a remodeling job you have to trust me:
It is very noisy, dirty, unpleasant, inconvenient and very expensive too, but when it is done you can really see is worth the effort!

So when do you do a remodeling?
The simple answer is: When you can afford it.
Which is easy to know when you are talking about house remodeling but a bit more complicated when you are thinking life remodeling.
So here are some simple directions to follow.

Al things in your life; love, relationships, finances, business, spirituality, religion, education, career etc are going one direction or another.
Things are going up, down or reach a balance point.

If things are going up then you don’t have to worry about changing anything.
For God’s sake if things are not broken do not try to fix them!
I am amazed how many people are screwing up a good deal just because they can’t stop screwing with it.

Same thing if thing are going down: Don’t do anything!
I know – Wrong advice! – Right?
Let me tell you a little story:

When I got married I thought that married life would be like having cake every day, like being on a date for the rest of my life. Little did I know :)
After the honey moon was over things started going south.
(Looking in retrospective it was all stupid things like learning to put down the toilet seat, separate the whites from the colors and rearranging my socks and underwear in different drawers.)

Getting married it is a life remodeling project.
You have to demolished the “my” life and build the “our” life.
It is no longer “my” place it is now “our” place, no longer “my” checking account but “our”, no longer “my” dreams but “our” no longer “my” plans but “our” no longer “my” life but “our” life.
So before things start getting better you they will get worse.
Don’t quit! Give it a chance and you will be thankful later.

What if things don’t get any better, what if it was the wrong thing to do?
Don’t worry. You are already going down; things will fall apart even without your help!

The tricky and hurtful situation is the false security one gets when things seem to have settled into a compromise.
Compromises are good only when signing a deal.
In real life situations there is no compromise, a compromise is just a strategy to win more but it never ends a conflict.
If you agree to do the laundry and your spouse to cook that is a deal.
If you agree to do the laundry 3 times a month and the spouse 2 times a month you will end up doing the laundry all the time.
If you have reached a compromise to end hostilities it means simply that one will respect the deal until he or she will find a better deal.
This is true of any relationship, romantic or business.

This is the law of nature: Things go up and things go down, but things never stay the same.
The universe, reality, God is change. Balance points are just temporary states.
If you understand that you will avoid a lot of unpleasant surprises in life!


Lydia said...

There is so much wisdom in this post that it makes me chuckle, sigh, and say namaste'. Even if you've been through the stages you describe it's easy to become complacent and quit paying attention. Thank you for the reminder to be awake, dear Buddha.

tikno said...

You are right, no longer "my" life but "our" life.

Good post and hopefully will give enlightening to everyone.

Aggie said...

I'm strangely content with the status quo at the moment, even though I am a little bored with the seemingly unchanging monotony - sometimes. I know I am better off than most, so I stop rocking the boat too hard in the impatience of wanting things to change. Whenever I do that at the wrong time it leads to bad change, not good change.

Brigit said...

I love the line: What if things don’t get any better, what if it was the wrong thing to do?
Don’t worry. You are already going down; things will fall apart even without your help!

Wonderful post Buddha.

LLnL said...

Your words have a way of making me think your talking directly to me. Thank you so much for this post. I will hold it close to my heart and learn from it.

Barry said...

This is a wonderful post - thank you!

Compromise seems mostly like compliance ("Okay, I'll go alone with what you want. But I don't want it, not really!") - and that just perpetuates the fight.

The fight arises from "Why can't I just get what I want?" So maybe we can awaken to what we want...?

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

Whilst i agree to a point i would say that any relationship where everything changes from "me" to "we" is bound to struggle. The path to happiness surely lies in finding a way to combine the desires of both parties without too much compromise?

If one person puts their dreams on hold for the "greater good" then it can lead to resentment. Even the most content couple needs a way to still function as individuals

Chatty Crone said...

My daughter is getting married in May - I'm going to share this with both of them!

Talon said...

I think people don't "renegotiate" the terms of their agreements in so many aspects of their lives...they fall into the "carved in stone" way of thinking. Life is fluid and we have to learn to become more malleable.

mickael said...

hi Buddha,

it's the first time i see a post from you seemingly with no clear point. does it mean that one of us is tired?

good luck.

Buddha said...

@ Lydia – You make me blush.
I am not worthy :)

@Tikno – Well maybe not enlightenment but a bit of inspiration :)

@ Aggie – Timing is everything!

@ Brigit – Thank you, you are to kind!

@ LluL – Funny you said that because I do an imaginary dialog when I write my posts :)

@ Barry – IMO the problem arises when we choose what we want over what we need.

@ Pixie – The point I was trying to make is that you have to adapt to the new “we” reality, not to completely get red of your “me”.
You are absolutely right; any extremes are bad.

@ Catty – Congratulations! You must be a very proud mom :)

@ Talon – I call it ignorance. The root of all evil.

@ Mickael – LOL – There is no point at all.
Just enjoy the ride!

mickael said...

sage never heeds a fool, eh? :)

good luck.

Ted Bagley said...

Even with saying nothing there is a point saying it.

This Brazen Teacher said...

I am having a very hard time letting go of 'my' life with the man I love. It's a scary prospect... and yet singlehandedly one of the best ways to experience the divine.

THANK YOU for this post