I was hoping that someone would take me up on my offer – see my previous post – and share with us his or her experience of “forgiveness” but since nobody seems so brave, here I go again with my life story.
My father was an alcoholic, as most men in the old country did – a little dirty secret of the communist society – he was also a violent, abusive man – another quite common and accepted practice.
“What do you tell a woman with two black eyes?
Nothing: You have told her twice already!”
Growing up that was considered a funny and appropriate attitude towards women.
Fortunately for me, my mom divorced him before I was one year old and I got to live my early childhood with my grandparents, so the damage of the dysfunctional marriage was kept to a minimum.
I grew up a very angry young man.
I felt entitled to my anger and my pain and I flaunted them as a badge of honor.
I never forgot my father for deserting me and what he did to my mother and I always hoped one day I would have my revenge, although I never new exactly what that might entitle.
I even kept my pain and my anger after my father died - of his alcohol abuse – although it did not make any sense to hold a grudge to a fictitious, non existent person anymore.
I would probable kept my pain and my anger to this day if something very unpleasant had happened into my life.
Growing up I had a hard time holding a healthy relationship – that being said in the nicest way possible – but actually the sad and hard truth was that I was turning into my father.
I was turning into what I hated most - the man that beat up my mother.
So you see, it is not enlightenment or my Buddhist believes that have changed my life, it is my life that has forced and pushed me on the path of forgiveness.
I realized that my pain and anger are controlling my life and that if I wanted to change I had to get red of them.
My break through was the realization that I was turning into an asshole just like my father and that meant one thing; my father was just an ass hole like everybody else!
Not expecting him to be the perfect father that I dreamed of, taking him down from the pedestal I kept him on, was the first liberating step.
What can one expect from an asshole?
And that my friends is breaking the “You owe me” chains of your abusive relationship.
As I grew older and continue to make more mistakes – even though I kept a vigilant eye on my actions – I hit another point of my enlightenment; I have stopped judging people.
Not only my father but every human being I have ever encountered.
I am just to imperfect to pass judgment on another human being :)
And that brought me to my final step: I have embraced forgiveness as a path for my redemption – I’m still working on my own forgiveness – probable that is why I am writing this blog – who knows?
And thus step by step my life and my believes have converged together into one:
I am that I am.
Whatever you express; pain and anger or love and forgiveness is what you become.
The life that you live is the life that you have.
IT IS THE WAY!
And that is the choice you have to make :)