Dieting: A system of starving yourself to death so you can live a little longer.
A diet is when you watch what you eat and wish you could eat what you watch.
A diet is the penalty we pay for exceeding the feed limit.
I have a great diet. You're allowed to eat anything you want, but you must eat it with naked fat people.
Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.
I'm on a seafood diet. I see food and I eat it.
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good, spit it out.
I tried every diet in the book. I tried some that weren’t in the book. I tried eating the book. It tasted better than most of the diets.
Never eat more than you can lift.
A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand
If hunger is not the problem, then eating is not the solution.
I have gained and lost the same ten pounds so many times over and over again my cellulite must have déjà vu.
Inside every fat person, trying to get out, there is a beautiful thin one - or even two or three.
Outside every fat man there was an even fatter man trying to close in
I don't diet. I just don't eat as much as I'd like to.
My doctor told me to stop having intimate dinners for four.
Unless there are three other people.
There are no fat people, just people too short for their weight.
Praise is the best diet for us, after all
Probably nothing in the world arouses more false hopes than the first four hours of a diet.
An optimist is a person who starts a new diet on Thanksgiving Day.
The second day of a diet is always easier than the first. By the second day you're off it.
I told my doctor I get very tired when I go on a diet, so he gave me pep pills.
Know what happened? I ate faster.
Joe E Lewis
Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy fat women
I found there was only one way to look thin, hang out with fat people
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight because by then, your body and your fat are really good friends
It's strange but true. Fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing
I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in 14 days I lost two weeks.
Joe E. Lewis
I've been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I've lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
No diet will remove all the fat from your body because the brain is entirely fat.
Without a brain you might look good, but all you could do is run for public office.