Tuesday, November 4, 2008

Conversations with Dog

You are about to have an extraordinary experience. You are about to have a conversation with Dog. Yes, yes. I know… that’s not possible. You probably think (or have been thought) that’s not possible. One can talk to Dog, sure, but not with Dog. I mean, Dog is not going to talk back, right? At least not in the form of a regular, everyday kind of conversation!
That’s what I thought, too. Then this post happened to me. And I mean that literally.
This post was not written by me, it happened to me. And in your reading of it, it will happen to you, for we are all led to the truth for which we are ready.

In the spring of 2008 – it was around 15 February, as I recall – an extraordinarily phenomenon occurred in my life. Dog began talking with you through me. Let me explain.
I was very unhappy during that period. It was almost deadline for taxes and I couldn’t figure out my medical deduction. Leaned over the keyboard, starring at the computer screen I almost spaced out, when I heard this voice behind me.
- Hey you! Are you going to take me out, or what?
I turned around just to see Dog starring up at me. I thought it was only my overworked imagination playing tricks on me, so I turned back to the computer when the voice continued.
- Come on, you ungrateful human being, take me out and I’d let you pick up and carry my poop!
I turned to the Dog and asked in disbelief:
- Are you… talking to me?
- Yes of course! What do you thing I’m talking to myself?
- But, dogs can’t really talk – I replied
- Of course we can, we talk all the time… go ahead, ask me something.
- Sure, can you explain to me the unified theory of physics or how hydrogen cold fusion works? - I asked all excited.
- Nope!
- What about a cure for cancer or AIDS?
- Oh, come on man, what do you think, you are talking to God? I’m just a dog, what do I know?
I was really disappointed. All of my life I dreamed of talking to God. I dreamed of
finding out the answers to the most profound questions facing the human kind.
I dreamed of changing the course of history with my revelations, but talking to my dog?
What the hell do you ask a dog? Mmm… let me think.
- OK. I got one.
You know, when my wife and I are making love, why do you always have to come to the bed and stare at us? It is totally creepy and frankly it ruins our mood each time.
- Because you guys are ab-so-lut-ely hilarious making love. Oh, oh, baby, who’s your daddy, oh, oh…
- And oh yeah, another thing! Why do you have to touch my butt?
Do you have any idea how wet and cold your nose is?
- Sorry man! It’s a dog thing. I can’t help it.
- And why are you talking with a Mexican accent?
- Well, I’m half Chihuahua, what do you expect a French poodle?
I thought to myself: OK, this is not happening to me. I am talking to Dog; maybe I should take a brake after all. So I picked up the leash and said:
- OK Dog lets go!
As we stepped into the cold refreshing air of the evening I found myself talking out loud.
- You know, I hope one day God will do the same thing and talk to me.
- No, he won’t. - Dog replied
- Why not?
- Because he can’t.
- Of course he can. He is like, a million times more intelligent than you and I, and he can do whatever he wants.
- Oh really? Do you see that ant over there?
- Yeah, what about it?
- Well, you are about a million times more intelligent than it, why don’t you talk to it; maybe it can help you with your tax deductions. He, he, he…
- Well, I don’t think an ant can understand a human.
- Bingo! A human can’t understand God either. You see, to have a communication between two entities, you must first have a common ground of understanding, a common language. The least common the ground the more unlikely the communication would be.
You can understand when I am hungry, or scared or happy. I can understand about 1-2 hundred human words and a lot of your emotions and moods. You will have an even better communication with an animal closer to your level of intelligence but certainly that communication would be worse if you would try to communicate with a more primitive form of life.
- I see… That explains a lot.
At that moment Dog saw a cat across the street and almost bolted out of its leash.
- The pussy man, the pussy! Let’s go get her, let me go!
- Hold it there, Rambo! You can’t go across the street.
- Why not, man? I’m a dog I’m supposed to chase the cats, don’t you know that?
- Yes, I know that but there is a truck coming and I don’t want you to get hurt.
- Oh, man, she’s gone now! What a waist… How would you like if your God would pull on your leash like that.
- Well actually, he does pull on my leash and yes, I don’t like it either.
- You mean you chase after pussy too?
- Well I used to, before I got married.
- And God pulled your leash?
- Yep, but I was too stupid to understand.
- So what happened?
- Well, I got hit by the truck… a couple of times.
- That sounds really painful.
- Yep. It was, but that is what happens when you don’t understand why God is pulling your leash.
- Man, I’m glad you are keeping me on the leash. I wouldn’t like to be hit like that.
- No problem Dog. I do it because I love you.
- I love you too man!
- I knew that even before you started talking human. – I confessed
- And another thing, before we get back into the house. – I said.
- What?
- Can we, like, keep this conversation private and don’t tell anybody I’m actually talking to you?
- Arf, arf!
- That’s my Dog, good boy!

This post was inspired and dedicated to: My brazen teacher


Don't Feed The Pixies said...

reminds me of the joke about the dyslexic devil worshipper who sold his soul to Santa.

Of course - the Bible is very much of the opinion that God (not Dog) has and does speak to humans via his earthly representatives (the church, speaking in tongues etc) - so there must be some level of understanding there...

Whether God (assuming God exists) speaks to us or not - isn't the more interesting question: are we listening and, as with our physical parents, which bits should we ignore?

This Brazen Teacher said...

Buddha- you dedicated a post to me? The brazen can't even suppress her elation. Thank you!

Have you read Conversations with God by Neil Donald Walsch? Wait- I'm having dejavu- have I already asked you this? Well- just in case I haven't- I better ask.

If you say you've read it- I will love you even more than I already do. Which would be pretty hard to manage :-)

timethief said...

I enjoyed reading this post because I've been talking to animals my whole life long. I also am able to locate the sources of their illnesses and help to heal them. None have ever spoken back to me in English but we do communicate very well. :P

One Time said...


Damien said...

That worked! Original and funny.

flight risk said...

Hey us dyslexic people worship DOG not Santa.

All animals talk we just dont take the time to learn their language .

Your explanation of why God doesn't talk to us is one I never thought of . Interesting ???


Buddha said...

Well, this is actually a parody on "Conversations with God" by Donald Walsch.
@ pixie - if our parents were as enlightened as God I don't think we'd have that problem.
@ my brazen teacher - No, I dedicated 2, the first one was "To fear or not to fear" - Yes I read it & Yes you asked me.
@ TT - Ditto - It never seizes to amaze me how intelligent and expressive animals are.
@ 1 time - Arf!
@ damien - Thanks!
@ flight risk - I'm not dixlesyc!

Lydia said...

This was GREAT. I almost woke up Abby and Bonbon (dogs) to tell them about it but that can wait until tomorrow. Besides, Feather (cat) is crunched up on the cold floor beside my feet and she just said, "Hey, you dope. It's after 3:30 a.m. Turn on your electric blanket. Go to bed. Let me snuggle down into the warmth next to you. If you don't do this I'm going to go in there and wake up daddy so he sees how late you are up."

We had another cat years ago who was a voyeur like your Dog....

This Brazen Teacher said...

Hindsight's 20/20- and it seems so obvious now... yes- Dog is God spelled backwards...

I'm so embarrassed. :-I

adminpn said...

very interesting.

Zaach said...

wow - I love the simplicity of this post and how profound it actually is. Very well put...I cringe when I hear people telling me they know "god's will" or god is leading me to do...
the truth is, there is a limit to our human understanding. when i learned this, it was all down hill!
great post!