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Monday, October 27, 2008

Children and sex

I remember the life on the farm. It was a simple life, full of hard work but also full of rewards. But most of all it was real. It was that no frill, no nonsense approach to life that has molded my young character and in a way made me what I am today.

I remember one year when our cow had some problems delivering.
Her cry cut the night country silence like a knife. The whole family woke up and went to the barn to help her. My grand mother put her hands inside the cow and was trying to reposition the calf. My grandpa was holding the cows head and I was holding the kerosene lamp – yes we didn’t have electricity on the farm.
Finally the baby calf was born and the cow stopped her painful wailing.
My grandpa brought some warm water and started washing the baby calf while the cow was licking it. There was blood all over the ground and pieces of placenta in a small pile. But the little baby calf so fragile and so beautiful made everything so worth while and gave the place a feeling of purity.
Life had the power to sanctify the repulsiveness of the biological act.
Sex was part of life, part of the farm existence and in growing up, part of me.

At 7 I left my grand parents farm and joined my parents in the big city. The schools in the big city were much better and my parents wanted to give me a good education.
The big city was so strange to me, so weird and confusing.
The children at school didn’t like me very much and made fun of me – the farm boy – until one day when I kicked some but and suddenly became much respected.
I remember this discussion they had about the stork and the cabbage patch kids and I couldn’t stop myself from laughing. Are you retarded? I said. Everybody knows women have sex with their husbands, get pregnant and deliver after 9 month. They laughed at me and then went straight to the teacher and informed her about the heresy I was spreading.
The teacher called me to the teachers lounge and asked me about the incident. She said “Who told you that?” I said Nobody. It was just the way it was. Life that I saw with my own eyes on the farm.
They called my mother to the school and I was sworn never again to tell anybody where the babies came from. I didn’t understand what the big fuss was all about. I thought everybody should know it. I mean what was the big deal after all.

Now I am a father of two beautiful, bright girls. We don’t offer any information on sex or sexuality to them, but we don’t lie if they ask any questions.
We had a little dog and we needed to fix her. The girls asked why and we explained it to them. No big deal.
My older daughter wants to be a veterinarian. We bought her a subscription to the Zoo book magazine. Some times the girls come and ask for some clarifications, like why a whale is a mammal and not a fish. We don’t hold back on the facts and they don’t find the facts of life inappropriate. They are just facts of life.
We have this wonderful book “Everybody poops” I wish they had one “Everybody has sex”
So what I’m trying to say is that we are not waiting for the girls to reach a certain age to give them the big talk about sex. They will find out about it even if we want or not and most likely if you don’t tell them the truth they will get wrong, distorted facts.
So when is the time to talk to your kids about sex? Any time they ask. How should you talk about it? As frank as possible. Don’t wait till they reach puberty to talk about sex.
Puberty is the time to talk about love, relationships, responsibility, commitment not sex. If you will wait that long you will not only make the conversation very awkward but probably give them the wrong signals, like now it is OK to engage in sex because you have reached this age.
Becoming an adult is such a complicated, difficult part of life don’t make your kids life even more complicated. Think about the embarrassing time you had when you got your big sex talk. I certainly remember mine.
I was about 16 and in the old country boys at that age were supposed to become men.
I remember my father talking to me:”Hey boy, how come you don do it, what’s wrong with you, what are you waitin’ for?” See, everybody else in the neighborhood has done it and I was the only one seemingly still a virgin.
So I wanted to make my pop proud, and I did it. I went to him and I said: Dad you can be proud of me now. Today I lost my virginity. “That’s my boy! Chip of the old block! So how did you like it?” He asked. I don’t know pop, my butt still hurts, but I’ll tell you the next time.
Strangely enough he never wanted to talk to me again about sex since.

15 comments:

Wildcherry said...

Love your deep and meaningful story!
Just one suggestion..it was hard reading the whole story because there's no paragraph.
Feel free to post as an author at Blogoncherry :).

Isolde said...

talking about sex to kids is really hard, I think for them and the parents. I remember when I had a serious boyfriend in high school, and I was like 15 and wanted to talk to my mom about it and she didn't want to talk about it because she was a little uncomfortable and didn't want to encourage me, well her shutting down about it (she and I talk about everything) made me more curious and to discover things on my own, the exact opposite of what she wanted. I think you approach is perfect - let it be natural, approach sex as a part of life and nature and it will lose the taboo and lure to kids and teenagers. I am sure your healthy approach to it will make the right impact on your daughters and help them make the best decisions for themselves as they grow up!

Isolde said...

talking about sex to kids is really hard, I think for them and the parents. I remember when I had a serious boyfriend in high school, and I was like 15 and wanted to talk to my mom about it and she didn't want to talk about it because she was a little uncomfortable and didn't want to encourage me, well her shutting down about it (she and I talk about everything) made me more curious and to discover things on my own, the exact opposite of what she wanted. I think you approach is perfect - let it be natural, approach sex as a part of life and nature and it will lose the taboo and lure to kids and teenagers. I am sure your healthy approach to it will make the right impact on your daughters and help them make the best decisions for themselves as they grow up!

Don't Feed The Pixies said...

An interesting topic - especially as there's a move in the UK to teach kids in school about sex from the age of 5, much like we expect schools to teach our kids to read...as if this somehow dissolves the responsibility of the parents from talking to their kids.

I tend to think that 5 is maybe a bit young for kids to understand the full ramifications of sex, but i agree with you that it should be discussed frankly as a family - if you can rely on families to do this

Buddha said...

@wildcherry
You don't know how much i appreciate your comment. I'm not a professional writer and I know I have a lot to learn about writing, but it is very hard to be your own judge, so any suggestion for improvement is like a Gods sent. I will go back and work on my posts structure. Thank you again.
@don't feed the pixies
There is difference between sex and sexuality. I talk to my kids only about the biological aspect of sex. I more than agree with you that 5 is much to young to talk about sexuality. I'm really mad at Disney channel for sexualizing their shows. Its all about dating and kissing, fashion and shopping. I think that's a real problem.

Dan Mihaliak said...

Last nights episode of Army Wives had a similar story line. We've got to watch what we say around kids sometimes eh?

Spiritual Blogger said...

That was a very funny ending! Ha ha :-) Its so strange though... our society is saturated with sex. Even children's toys ooze sexuality (have you seen those new Barbie replacements - Bratz?) yet despite this, no one seems to know how to talk about it. So many people are still uptight about sex. I wonder why that is.

Lydia said...

I don't remember my big sex talk. This makes me think that my mother must have made many natural comments as the early years went by, creating an accumulation of information. Also, I wasn't on a farm but we had cats and my favorite, Fancy, gave me lots of litters. I loved being on the floor next to the box we'd prepared and would stay up all night or stay home from school (depending upon delivery time) to watch all of it.

Caleb said...

what a wondrous idyllic childhood you had..I especially liked the statement you told your dad , that was real funny..

Jessica said...

I really appreciate your honesty and fresh perspective on the topic.

On another note - there's an article in the LA times from yesterday or today about the "sexification of children" -- as evidenced by the sexified Halloween costumes that are apparently popular with young kids. (yikes) You might enjoy reading the article.

jheLo said...

interesting topic here..
nowadays, children are getting more involved in sex because of the influence of the surroundings..
one more thing is because of sex education..

CoolRichard said...

i think children are getting more involved in sex.its has lot to do with the media/tv as well.they see lots of stuff and get curios..

Louise, Carmine Superiore, Italy said...

I'll say Amen to that. Kids with big families or living on farms seem to take sex and having young for granted. The cow gives birth, the ram goes after the nanny goat, the sister's necking with her boyfriend. No big deal. I agree with you. When they ask, be clear and tell the truth. They know when you're lying anyway!

Rob said...

Nice article Budda. Thanks for commenting on my blog.

I kind of grew up on a midwest farm as a kid, milking cows (maybe this is why I like fresh milk) and other chores.

Anyway, I like this article a lot. I read the "election special" article first and I almost stopped there. I'm glad I read on. I am all for personal style when blogging, I often abuse the formal rules. You cerainly don't want to be generic in your writing.

However, there are many errors in "election special" that make it very difficult to continue reading.

Just my opinion as a fellow blogger (you asked). Keep blogging!

bradacus said...

Very profound and very funny too.
Excellent post!